It's All New….

Well...

2-1/2 years.

2-1/2 years since I started here.  

2-1/2 years since I thought I'd make my dreams come true 

and my mission realized.

2-1/2 years since I began to publicly share my thoughts and dreams with the world.

2-1/2 years since I thought my thoughts and dreams would help others in the world.

2-1/2 years and the best I've done was share my thoughts thrice in one year.

2-1/2 years since I even believed my thoughts were worth sharing.

2-1/2 years that I feel have slipped by.  

2/1-2 years that my heart has closed off to avoid the hurt of reality.

2-1/2 years that my heart has hardened a bit.

Or has it loosened a bit?

2-1/2 years that ended in losing our house

and moving place to place.

2-1/2 years that brings me to new lessons 

and a place where I have to grow even stronger 

or lose everything that is dear to me.

2-1/2 years...

That's a long time.

But not as long as I have been hiding.  

Hiding the truth from everyone.

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…that I'm not superwoman

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…that I was in a relationship that took more out of me than it gave

…that I was in a relationship that contributed to me feeling less than I was worth

…that I was not treated as I deserved to be treated and I didn't know what to do about it
…that I didn't understand my faith properly and I used it to justify a situation that lessened me 

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…that the person I allowed in my heart 

never fully commited to me

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…that I don't know 

how to choose a life partner properly

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…that I've made this mistake before

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...that I was never really in a marriage

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…that I not only married the worst in my father

but also the worst in my mother
(and we ALL have things inside us that are not our best qualities)

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…that I brought a child into this world 

whose needs I could not completely meet

~ and no parent can completely meet all their child's needs

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…that I brought a child into this world 

who would not have a strong male role model 

unless something drastically changed 

in another person.

A change that I could not make happen.

A change that never happened.

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…that he would never be truly treasured by both of his parents

I've wasted many more than 2-1/2 years.

But were they truly wasted?

Many say yes.

I say no.

I did what I needed to do at the time.

To protect my child.

With the only resources I had at the time.

To raise my child and not let society raise him.

And am I done?

  

NO

I am not done.

He's on the brink of puberty and just finding himself.

Am I going to change what I do?

NO

I am always going to put his needs before the needs of what is going on around us.  

My challenge, though, is to figure out how to meet all of our needs.

A healthy life not only includes the mind, body and spirit,

but relationships with family, community and the world

...as well as finances…

That's the one I've neglected.

Finances.

I've not had a lot of support to help raise my child, financial or otherwise.

 Family values, morals and faith are important to me.
They are the foundation on which this family is built.

They can't take a back seat to anything else.

They are strong in our family.

That means that popular culture takes a back seat.

That means that we do things a bit differently.

I also respect the healing power that God put in the body
and that most of the time we must not interfere with that.
I respect the healing power of real food,
not man-made, adulterated food products.
I respect that there are many toxins in this world that we are exposed to…
many that we are not even aware we are exposed to.
I respect that what we do to the world we do to ourselves.

And that means that I must find a support system that respects that.

Not a support system that does everything the same way that we do.  

Just one that respects what we do.

That honors where we are and where we want to go.

One that will lift us up and not tear us down.

Gratefully, we have segments of that.  

We have wonderful homeschool friends.
Being houseless, I found that I have a few generous friends willing to share their homes.

But at the end of the day, I have no one.
No one to talk to.

No one to lift me up.
No one to say "keep it up - you are doing great…you can do this".  

No one that calls me on a regular basis.
Just to see if I am alive.

No one that would notice if I just vanished off the earth.

Now that my boy is older, I worry less.

He's older and more spiritually and emotionally mature.

Not ready for the world, but stronger in spirit.

At this stage, as I move forward, I may have to make changes that I am not comfortable with.  As I seek legal protection for finances, I surrender some measure of protection for my son.  Protection for his spiritual and emotional needs.

and YES

I am going to do many things differently.
I am going to truly put our family's needs before everyone's expectations.
I will not concern myself with what other people think of me.
Or of my child.
He's perfect the way he is.
I've always let him bloom where he was planted.
Yes, I tried at times to make things better.
I think we all make that mistake.
But I let him bloom.
And as he approaches adolescence,
I need to let him bloom in different ways.
Ways of letting go.
Ways of helping him find himself.
Giving him the opportunities of independence in small increments.
As he is ready and able.
As he is emotionally mature enough to handle.
As he is spiritually mature enough to handle.
As he is physically mature enough to handle.
He's growing up and things will be different every day.
But things will also be the same.
The foundation on which I build our family will stay the same.

Faith.
God first.

Respect
Reverence
Responsibility

We will focus our sights on serving the Lord
and use our God given talents
to help others in this world with their challenges.

A servant's heart.
That's what I want for him.
But to have a servant's heart
for the Lord and serve others,
we must love and care for ourselves first.
We need to look at all our needs and meet them.
 Finances are a part of that.
How else can we take care of ourselves (so others don't have to)
and then take care of others?
How else can we minister and give if we don't have the finances to do it?
How can we tithe and allow others to use our share if we don't have enough for ourselves?
How can we care for our world if we are always looking for the best deal?
The deal that robs others of their wages or their health to create that best deal for us?
I am always criticized that I spend my money on various things that are much more expensive. 

Things that do not rob from the earth or our human resources.
Maybe part of my ministry is to not create harm for others
by being selfish and wanting more for my situation. 

But to create understanding.
And to help others realize
that they need to look beyond their own personal economics

~ that saving money when the costs to the earth or to those who produced it are great ~
and look at the greater economics of how they spend their money.  

October 1, 2014

Old Beginnings

Sometimes life takes you where you want to go.  Sometimes it takes you where you need to go.  Anyway, life will take you if you don't take yourself.

So much has happened that I thought would be resolved by now.  

But it hasn't.  

And now all those "old" new beginnings need to happen.  

All at once. 

Here.  

Now.  

A time for resolution.  

And closure.  

So I am closing an old and very lengthy chapter on my life.  And opening a new one.  Maybe even starting a new book.  Writing it this time, listening to my Co-author even more closely.  Or maybe just actually listening to Him.

By that I mean not just listening, but acting upon, that still, quiet voice inside of me that knows what to do.  I listen most of the time.  But often, what is asked of me is different than what is expected of me.  And while I surely rock the boat and march to a different drummer, when it comes to really doing what I need to do for myself, I lay down in the ship and hand over my drumsticks.

That is about to change…..