Well, here we are. Over a decade since I've posted. Over a decade since I thought my "do-over" would be done and over. Funny how life works. Or how Christ works. He sees things and does things much differently than the world does. He cares much more about our heart posture than our comfort.
See, new beginnings are not new beginnings until the old life, the old self in you dies. Fully dies. When I truly came to Christ and got baptized as a teenager, I had a deep, personal relationship with Him, but it was just in its infancy. I didn't understand or know how relationships develop and grow and I wanted more than anything for my family to come on this intimate journey with me. God was my constant friend and companion. As my life and my social circles expanded, I ever so slowly drifted away from God. I enjoyed and sought after being the best at everything I did; the acceptance of colleagues, family and friends; and the accolades all this brought. But I didn't know how to discern good fruit from bad fruit when it was disguised as friendship, love and acceptance.
The roots of this were deep, much deeper than I realized. Whenever I was met with anger, disapproval or unacceptance from my family, the roots penetrated ever more deeply into my heart. At several points in my young adult life, I created physical distance from my family because I didn't know how to give them to God and witness to them while I was around them. I didn't know that loving myself and letting go of the outcomes were a direct reflections of my trust in and my relationship with God. These roots created a lack of personal discernment with close relationships and being unable to choose, or refuse to be chosen by, people to share those close relationships with.
I didn't realize that I hadn't fully let the old self in me die. The self that people pleased, lived in shame at mistakes, hid imperfections, and created little lies to cover the fact that I wasn't perfect, justifying it by all the good works I was doing. On the outside, everything looked wonderful, but the pull of the conditioning that I grew up with was strong. I grew up with the notion that God was a harsh judge who required you to be good all the time. Shame and fear were tools to keep you in line. Mistakes weren't allowed. Truths had to be bent. Secrets were to be kept. Everything had to look good. An image of perfection was to be kept up. The roots of shame, fear, abandonment and rejection were unseen.
I didn't know or fully understand how the remnants of that old life in me had to die, or even what that looked like. It is never just a matter of choosing "to be good" in the moment, but of letting go of anything that has my heart more than God's love does. So when I made mistakes or just couldn't keep up the facade, the self-condemnation was harsh. I could say intellectually that I was loved by God, but my heart felt differently. And I fell farther and farther into being unable to keep this perfect image up, and therefore fell farther and farther from God's love, tender mercies and guidance. I made decisions automatically, without praying, or even thinking of what might be better or what God might want for me. Reinforcing the idea that I was not good enough.
When I initially thought I was doing everything right for God, I came to realize I wasn't. I wasn't loving Him the way He calls us to love him: in the true and intimate relationship He desires. The pull of the conditioning that I grew up with was strong. I intellectually realized that I had to set boundaries, and often did, but I had no idea how to enforce them to protect my heart. I did not realize that I continued to put family/other people's acceptance as more important than God.
I rationalized my choices and actions with my faith, using God's word as medication to soothe my hurting heart rather than as daily nourishment to strengthen my soul and relationship with Him. To justify my decisions. Using my love for others as a scapegoat for not protecting my heart.
And here I sit. Typing this and finally letting go. Letting go of protecting an image. Letting go of worrying about how this affects other people. Maybe time had to pass for me to be able to speak this "out loud". The people have aged out. Matured more. And some are in their heavenly home.
Time moves on. Life moves on. I wanted differently for my son. I wanted to be the change agent. I let fear and shame keep me trapped as I fought to make things different for him. Maybe things would have been easier if I had just let go. Stopped fighting and moved when God prompted. Maybe not.
BUT GOD.
Who redeems everything.
Here's to new seasons and new growth.
Hang in there. Let go and stop struggling.
Be still and listen.
Discernment will come.
But action must follow.
I promise you it gets better if you hold onto God.
As Jesus said ~ As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Abide in my love. John 15:9
